Words that I can not seem to say out loud. Thoughts that will always only be in my mind. I can’t seem to convince myself to accept this life…
I pretend to be happy to the world around Me but I don’t truly feel happy inside. I feel as tho I am loosing this battle with Myself. I want to be happy more than anything but I seem to refuse to allow myself to be. I feel lost, alone, helpless, and hopeless. Even with my closest friends around me I feel alone. I do things that I’m not always proud of, I hurt people in ways that shouldn’t be forgiven. I’m nothing special…why? Why is it always me? I just don’t understand what it is that draws people to me the way they do but I’m not ungrateful. I’m glad that people call me friend and are willing to put up with me. I just can’t win this fight…I’m trying my best here but it’s getting harder each passing day. Alone I sit at the end of the day. Alone I lay each night I go to bed. I’m not saying that I need someone to be happy, I mean I have the chance to be with someone, but no it’s more than that. It’s nice and it’s comfortable but it’s not what I really want. I try so hard to be accepted by the world yet I don’t want to be accepted for whom I am not. I’m not someone you should show sympathy towards, nor love, or any emotions for that matter.

I walk this earth but I don’t really feel like I am here. One small moment of silence and I’m depressed again. This on going battle of emotions that I just continue to bottle up inside as I always have. I feel at times like I could just burst at any moment and it scares the hell out of me. What happens if I break and fall apart now? I don’t have anyone to put me back together. If I break now thats it, no more Me. For this reason I can not allow myself to fall apart but I’m soo tired of doing soo much alone. Part of me has already given up I can feel it but I don’t want to fall victim to that in anyway. I don’t want to give up but at the same time it would just be soo much easier if I did….right? No? I don’t know anymore. My past scares Me, I’m always afraid that it will come back for me. What is it about my past I fear so much? I couldn’t tell you really, I’ve worked so hard for so many years to lock the memories of my past away. Please don’t make me open that lock…

I look happy but am tearing myself up inside. I put on a smile so the world won’t ask me whats wrong. My friends, believe me when i say this, I love you all and am eternally grateful for all you’ve done for me. I’m happy to have you all in my life. I just wish I could stop putting on this fake smile and show you all the real me, the me that does know how to really be happy. Tho…that part of me has a dark side that I don’t think I could show to the world.

Then there is the other part of me that is only dark….the part that is locked away, the part of me that is the secret. I’m not in any way proud of some of the things i’ve done, the people i’ve wronged, and the people i’ve hurt. All I ask is that you somehow find it in yourselfs to forgive me for it all. I’m sorry for everything.

This is the me that is screaming out for something, anything, that will simply listen and not judge. I’ve told my secrets and been burned because of them. This is Me trying to reach out and ask for help the only way I really can.

Lost inside my own mind, blinded by my own sadness and self hatred, this is what I write. I can hear myself saying it to others, “Fake it till you feel it” fake being happy and eventually you’ll really become happy…I say this yet I don’t fully believe it myself…I’ve been faking it for so long that I’m not even sure what real happiness is anymore. Have I been experiencing it and just haven’t realized it due to my stupid self pity and unwillingness to fix myself?

I am blind to those around me who really do love me. Not because I want to be, simply because I don’t know how to see. Someone tells me they love me and I get excited only to be thrown to the ground by the reality that it ends up not being true…I’ve tried to see the fake from the real but I really just can’t tell anymore. The lines dividing fake from real have blurred soo much that I almost can’t see the line at all anymore.

This is the Me that everyone sees…mostly. I dare not dwell into my own mind out of fear of what I really am. I just smile and tell everyone I’m ok, even when i’m not close to being ok in the least bit.. This is how I get through my days. Am I really a good person? I feel as tho my heart isn’t as good as people say it is. My dark past always haunting me even tho I’ve tried to forget and move on. I hate being alone, in the quiet nothingness of my mind. I don’t like to think by myself. I start to get sad, and begin to remember things I wish would just go away. I am who I am today because of what i’ve been through but there is a part of me that would change it if I really could.

This is how I tell the world that I need help…will anybody see this? Only if I tell them I fear… I’m done now and have nothing else to say. Goodbye and Goodnight. I wonder if this will even be read by anyone else other than Me….

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