Beyond the shiny box

Scars. Everyone has them, whether they are physical or emotional they are there. We spend so much of our lives to hide these scars but at what cost? I believe that every scar tells a story of a person’s life. What they had to go through that was personally difficult for them. A physical scar could tell a beautiful story of when they reached their limit and did what they felt was necessary. Good or bad we have many scars that tell the world our own personal story. So don’t judge someone because of their scars. All it means is that they hit their limit but they are still here, still standing tall and proud whether they know it or not. A scar is a way of reminding yourself that you are still here, you are alive and there is a reason for that. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are worthless because of your scars. They are yours and yours alone to tell your story of your own hardships.

Words that I can not seem to say out loud. Thoughts that will always only be in my mind. I can’t seem to convince myself to accept this life…
I pretend to be happy to the world around Me but I don’t truly feel happy inside. I feel as tho I am loosing this battle with Myself. I want to be happy more than anything but I seem to refuse to allow myself to be. I feel lost, alone, helpless, and hopeless. Even with my closest friends around me I feel alone. I do things that I’m not always proud of, I hurt people in ways that shouldn’t be forgiven. I’m nothing special…why? Why is it always me? I just don’t understand what it is that draws people to me the way they do but I’m not ungrateful. I’m glad that people call me friend and are willing to put up with me. I just can’t win this fight…I’m trying my best here but it’s getting harder each passing day. Alone I sit at the end of the day. Alone I lay each night I go to bed. I’m not saying that I need someone to be happy, I mean I have the chance to be with someone, but no it’s more than that. It’s nice and it’s comfortable but it’s not what I really want. I try so hard to be accepted by the world yet I don’t want to be accepted for whom I am not. I’m not someone you should show sympathy towards, nor love, or any emotions for that matter.

I walk this earth but I don’t really feel like I am here. One small moment of silence and I’m depressed again. This on going battle of emotions that I just continue to bottle up inside as I always have. I feel at times like I could just burst at any moment and it scares the hell out of me. What happens if I break and fall apart now? I don’t have anyone to put me back together. If I break now thats it, no more Me. For this reason I can not allow myself to fall apart but I’m soo tired of doing soo much alone. Part of me has already given up I can feel it but I don’t want to fall victim to that in anyway. I don’t want to give up but at the same time it would just be soo much easier if I did….right? No? I don’t know anymore. My past scares Me, I’m always afraid that it will come back for me. What is it about my past I fear so much? I couldn’t tell you really, I’ve worked so hard for so many years to lock the memories of my past away. Please don’t make me open that lock…

I look happy but am tearing myself up inside. I put on a smile so the world won’t ask me whats wrong. My friends, believe me when i say this, I love you all and am eternally grateful for all you’ve done for me. I’m happy to have you all in my life. I just wish I could stop putting on this fake smile and show you all the real me, the me that does know how to really be happy. Tho…that part of me has a dark side that I don’t think I could show to the world.

Then there is the other part of me that is only dark….the part that is locked away, the part of me that is the secret. I’m not in any way proud of some of the things i’ve done, the people i’ve wronged, and the people i’ve hurt. All I ask is that you somehow find it in yourselfs to forgive me for it all. I’m sorry for everything.

This is the me that is screaming out for something, anything, that will simply listen and not judge. I’ve told my secrets and been burned because of them. This is Me trying to reach out and ask for help the only way I really can.

Lost inside my own mind, blinded by my own sadness and self hatred, this is what I write. I can hear myself saying it to others, “Fake it till you feel it” fake being happy and eventually you’ll really become happy…I say this yet I don’t fully believe it myself…I’ve been faking it for so long that I’m not even sure what real happiness is anymore. Have I been experiencing it and just haven’t realized it due to my stupid self pity and unwillingness to fix myself?

I am blind to those around me who really do love me. Not because I want to be, simply because I don’t know how to see. Someone tells me they love me and I get excited only to be thrown to the ground by the reality that it ends up not being true…I’ve tried to see the fake from the real but I really just can’t tell anymore. The lines dividing fake from real have blurred soo much that I almost can’t see the line at all anymore.

This is the Me that everyone sees…mostly. I dare not dwell into my own mind out of fear of what I really am. I just smile and tell everyone I’m ok, even when i’m not close to being ok in the least bit.. This is how I get through my days. Am I really a good person? I feel as tho my heart isn’t as good as people say it is. My dark past always haunting me even tho I’ve tried to forget and move on. I hate being alone, in the quiet nothingness of my mind. I don’t like to think by myself. I start to get sad, and begin to remember things I wish would just go away. I am who I am today because of what i’ve been through but there is a part of me that would change it if I really could.

This is how I tell the world that I need help…will anybody see this? Only if I tell them I fear… I’m done now and have nothing else to say. Goodbye and Goodnight. I wonder if this will even be read by anyone else other than Me….

It’s strange how change works, it is never easy to deal with even tho it happens all the time.
Like how you get used to living with someone. You come home every day and even tho they may not be there you still know that they reside there, in that same house, with you. You come home and see their stuff around the house and you may be the only one home but you know that there is always the other person. No matter how many days either one is gone for, the house never feels lonely.

Then one day you come home, their things are gone, and suddenly the house feels empty. You knew it was coming, you knew this was going to happen, and yet, you still never realized the gravity of the situation until it happened. You come home for the first time to a lonely house. That feeling of someone else living there even if they were never home, suddenly disappears. You come home now to an empty place. Its quiet so you play music just to have some noise. You think, “hasn’t it always been this quiet tho?” The answer is yes, but why now do I really notice it? Is it just simply the difference between knowing that someone else lived here, regardless of the fact that they were almost never home?
This house was once always full and now it feels soo empty. This place that I come home to, the place that is My empty home.

*walks quietly into the room and looks around*
*in the middle of the room is a small square table with a chair on each side*
*above it is a lamp hanging from the ceiling, hovering a few feet from the table*
*the light inside the lamp is a very dim, yellowish light*
*looking around the room you can’t really see anything else, it’s too dark and the walls seem to not exists, just darkness*

*he walks over towards the table to sit when he hears a voice*
“So, you’re back here again I see”
*without so much as a sound he pulls out a chair and takes his seat*
“Oh, so you are just going to ignore me again I take it? Typical”
“Leave him alone, Rick.”
“Ah come one Jack, I’m just giving him a hard time”
“Rick!”
“Ok ok I got it, I’ll stop”

*looks up no expression, just a blank look in his eyes*
“You two never change, always the same with you.” in a monotone voice.

“Dude it’s always the same with you, I mean…”

“Oh shut up!” suddenly shouting cutting Rick off. “I’m so freakin tired of hearing that from you of all people Rick!”
“It’s always, ” mimicking Rick’s voice “Oh you brought this upon yourself, or this is what you get for always trusting people so easily, or you know you’re always just going to end up getting hurt”
“Well, I’m done hearing that! It’s always the same with you! That isn’t the case this time. It’s not like that. Nothing wrong has been done.

“Then why are you here?”

“If I knew the answer to that Jack, I wouldn’t be here..”

*rick and jack each pull up a chair and sit at the table*

It seems just like yesterday
was the first time that I heard you call my name
Since then, so much has changed
I’m still the same man that I was before

Knowing that I can be without
Anything scares me away from being aloneRewind by Pillar
And now, that I know what’s going on
I can look back and see you and I
made you wait, as I turned away

If I could rewind, watch all my life
Just pass me by, I could see you
If I could I could rewind, I’d take back the lies
And all of those times I hurt you

I don’t know if I’ll ever know exactly
how much that I hurt you
Knowing that hurts me everyday
If I could rewind, I would take it away
And not make you wait and I won’t walk away

If I could rewind, watch all my life
Just pass me by, I could see you
If I could rewind, I’d take back the lies
And all of those times I hurt you

I wanna take back all those lies
I wanna take back all those times
I wanna show you with my life
That I’m here for you

If I could rewind, watch all my life
Just pass me by, I could see you
If I could rewind, I’d take back the lies
And all of those times I hurt you

If I could rewind, watch all my life
Just pass me by, I could see you
If I could rewind, I’d take back the lies
And all of those times I hurt you

I wish I could put into words you would understand exactly how I feel right now. I’m hurting an dim scared. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to expect. All I known is that I want everything to go to the way it was before. I want this feeling of infinite sadness yo go away. I want to enjoy your smile again. I want to see those beautifully bright eyes. All I know to say is “I’m sorry”

They embrace each other tightly, Beethoven’s Moon Light Sonata playing in the background as they quietly dance around the room. Images flashing through his mind of what he has seen. They kiss a deep and passionate kiss as lovers always do. The knife slides with ease into her skin; she tries to break free of his embrace but he is too strong for her to fight. He holds her body still never breaking the kiss until there is no longer any life left in her body; Music still playing he dances around the room with her a little bit longer, gliding gracefully around with her lifeless body. As he gently sets his now deceased lover on the bed he whispers to her, “I can still remember the image my love, of the kiss that lead to your death”

My mind won’t settle  I can’t keep calm. I’m getting so worn out from trying to hold everything in. I don’t want to break down again. I honestly don’t know if I could recover from it this time. I feel like I am falling to pieces. Everything around Me is starting to feel fake. I’m stressed but refuse to show it. I’m depressed but can only hide it. I’m broken but can’t show it… I feel like iI’ve been ripped to peices from the inside out. I want to show the world My scars but they are all deep within Me…I want to show My inner scars on the outside…

I had dream of painful place where everything was dark and cold. The walls were plain and grey and the floors were made of dirt. I could see the sky but all there was were dark gloomy clouds. I couldn’t tell whether it was day or night but I could see for miles even tho it wasn’t bright. I was surrounded by shadows but there was still a very faint light. I wandered around this dark and lonely world for days so it had seemed.  Alone and cold was all I could feel, all I could know as long as I was stuck in this world.
I was searching for something, tho what I was not sure. Wandering aimlessly through the darkness I felt as if it only went on endlessly. What was I searching for? Was I searching for someone or something? Perhaps I was searching for someone who had the something I desperately needed. What would that something be tho? What is it that I’m missing that causes me to stay in thisdark world?
I try and try, but all I do is create more scars. With each new scar a story is told of both beauty and pain. Some go deep and some are very shallow. I look at myself, do I hate these scars? Or do I endure them and love them? Should I use them to move forward and become stronger? Maybe that is what I was searching for?

If I could show you My scars then maybe you would see just how torn up I really am. A Beautiful Disaster as it were. These scars that are on My heart and My life, many as there are only some are deep the rest are shallow and only sting. Those are the scars on My life. If only I could show you the scars of My heart, maybe then you could understand why I am the way I am.